12:49 PM
This simple picture of us still holds so much meaning to me. Then, he was still madly in love with me. Then, he couldn't afford to have me leave his side. Then, he was so sure something good was coming out of our relationship. Then, he often made me feel secured and protected. After all this while, it's funny how an old, one-dimensional piece of sheet still brings back tons of memories in flashes. I don't care. All I know now is that he is gone and I don't know where to search for him. The one who cared so much about my well-being has disappeared and I don't have all that strength to go the extra mile anymore neither do I have the strength to love again. If you're talking about the one who puts aside his responsibilities and who also happens to be living around the same area, then we're talking about two different people..two different people because the fella above is the one I have feelings for, not the other one who shirks his responsibilities and promises more than his actions can ever prove.
So long.
So screwed
1:28 PM
It's been so many months, I've lost count of the times I said to myself that I miss him. On another worthy note, it's not him that I miss but it's the old caring, loving him that I miss and it took me so long to realise that. He was so much more decent in every way then, he was so caring and thoughtful and always puts a smile on my face. I hate to see how rebellious, indecent he is now with his notorious friends, who I would say are leading him astray. It is said that one doesn't know how strong one's love is if one has never been apart from one's love before. However, without having to be apart, I would have already known how strong my love is for him. I don't need to be apart from him to know how strong my love is for him. It should've been the other way round instead, I suppose. All I'm asking for is to relive my happy days with him just for a moment. Even if it means a minute. Even if it means I can only put my arms around him for three seconds. I would definitely cherish that.
On the other hand, it has been said that Allah is leading you to The Best by letting you meet The Worst first. However, ((sigh)) I would go through my every day life with him even if he is the worst because he is the best to me and I'd be utterly grateful for that. I'd rather be scolded and reprimanded for my wrongdoings and get tortured deliberately by the one I love than to be in that state with the one I have no feelings for. And things were good until he broke that promise he made.
I was told by a close friend recently that apparently she does not approve of me being with Fadzly/still not getting over him because "Fanna you are way smarter than him you deserve someone better" but folks, it's not about the brains/looks/whatever you want to judge on but it's about that certain feeling that arouses from the heart with or without any effort. If you're telling me that I should not love someone who is less smarter than me, then what does being with someone you have no feelings for but has the same degree of education as you gives you? I've accepted him for who he is, bad or good, so why are people still judging that poor boy? I'd rather be with him in a miserable state than knowing that I've lost him for good. Also, if there is anything I can exchange my luxury with, it'd be him.
"I'll love him forever."
Help
8:57 PM
My first O level paper begins tomorrow. Idek, man. One of the reasons why I decided to take up the Sec5 challenge was because of him. But look, I'm barely holding on to this pressure. Each time when I am being told off about my bad results, I will be reminded of the people I do this for, i.e. parents, him. Only God knows how much I really want to make them proud. No doubt I am doing this for myself too. But remembering the people I have to succeed for will always make me want to strive better.
Back then 2 years ago, I can still remember vividly when he told me to study very hard and get very good O level results so that we can have a good future together, since he is not eligible for this exam. That made me want to do the best for us both. I just wanted to do this for him, make him happy with my results. I want to receive my results jumping with joy and give him a call upon receiving the results to break the good news - a note to say that I have made a good start to our next step in life together. But with what I have now, with what I am today, with the results I've been producing so far, am I even anywhere near to happiness? The happiness I've been wanting to build with my other half? True enough, he might not want us to continue this relationship now. However so, after doing a good job for my O levels, it just shows how much I've done for him. But why am I even talking about this now? I should be studying like mad everyday if I want him happy again. I should show that I can do it for him, although I have done so much for him.
Just who am I deceiving right now? Who am I convincing right now? Until when am I supposed to fight for my rights? When will I get what I deserve? This is not the kind of relationship I'm asking for. This is neither the kind of friendship I want between us where it's always on and off. This is not what I'd always foreseen it to be like.
3 weeks ago, I have made the decision in forgetting him and totally move on from him. I did everything that I should/could to do so. And I mean everything. I really don't know. I just know that apart from Fadzly and I, nobody else knows about this blog. So I just wasted 7 minutes of my time doing this post. OK!! (Bummer shit I've really lost a gem in life)
7:43 PM
Guys, I miss him so much. And that is just an understatement, by the way. It's been a year now since we broke up. Or maybe to make things sound worse, we could've been on our 22nd month. I've always wanted to put my arms around him, to love him better. Wanted to. But couldn't. It isn't my job anymore now. The flashbacks began almost immediately. They take me back there, and I feel it all over me. His voice in my head, his body next to mine, the terror in my heart. They haven't gone away. I was hoping that maybe we could sit by the yachts and water with cider talking about when we first met, when we lived on sunlight and happiness.. I couldn't even make myself believe that I was on cloud nine almost everyday.
Judging on the flip side, I have no other word to describe it besides Envious. I just don't see any hope between us anymore. Not even a tiny winy bit. It's like I don't even stand a chance. Like I don't hold any value in his eyes. Still, I'd do anything to have time with him again. To have long bus rides again and share the iPod for music whilst my hand intertwine with his. How can you buy that with money?
Enough is enough, bro. If you can't find happiness with her, if two-third of your days with her are spent quarreling and fighting, then come back to where love is. Other people find it so hard to find their true love, when you can actually find yours just 2 mins away, just that you're turning a blind eye to the obvious. How irony it is or is it just me? And by looking at the posts I've made so far, I am so screwed for love right. "Who even reads this shit" Meh..
Perfect.
1:11 PM
It's been yonks since any of us updated this blog. It's figuratively dead because none of us was willing to do it. I'm doing this because I was just reading through the old posts a moment ago and I found myself grinning to what seemed like happiness. Just look at the distance in terms of date between the previous post and this.. Miss those days huh. I know I shouldn't be doing this, oh god. But it's just..
So I read all the old posts, and I was really amazed at how much things have changed. When initially I was everything to him, as everyone else was looking forward to 10 may, the date we both got together. And then a few months later things started to fall apart without any apparent reason. But in between tough times, we did reconcile and then we fell apart again, then we reconciled, the we fell apart again, and it just went on till April this year, when he really left me for good. Between April and October this year, I tried to keep this love alive, I did everything I could to convince him back. However, he has made his final decision, and that is to leave me behind. It isn't a good feeling to get rejected umpteen times. Especially by the one you love most. But honestly, why am I still saying all these crap when he really isn't coming back? Because by treating me this way, he's deliberately torturing me and driving me mad. Pointless!
Jealousy is the answer to that. I have been keeping this inside because only he is concerned in this case but I know he'll just not bother how jealous I can get with his other girl friends that he's talking to. Whoever they are. But ok, this is really lame, I don't wanna talk about this. Moving on, I have always wanted to be The Special One in his eyes. I have always wanted to have a closer relationship with his mother, knowing that she was never against our relationship. In fact, I was told that she likes me that even she's disappointed that he's left me. At least that's how we can build happiness together. A stronger happiness by communication and toleration. However, I am disappointed despite him knowing that he mean a lot me, he should've known better than to hurt me. It's gonna hurt when it heals too but it's gonna get better in time. It was never easy to move on from him fact that he had a huge impact on me. It just don't mean a thing when you leave whilst I'm still looking back. Perfect. Much misses, 10.
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Md Fadzly
